Since last Friday, Dave and I have been in Alpine babysitting Meg and T while Karen and Dave take a mid-winter get away to Costa Rica. And I have to admit...I've been thoroughly enjoying myself.
Lately I have been doing a lot of soul searching about my life and my future. That probably comes with the territory of graduating with a college degree that was never really intended to do much by itself (minus law school or some other form of grad school). But since I have decided not to pursue law school at this time, I am left in a rather unfamiliar place: the land of uncertainty. Don't get me wrong, I pondered and prayed about the law school decision and feel right about my current path...but sometimes I wonder what path I'm really on and if it's the path that I truly truly want to be on.
I can say without any uncertainty or doubt that I want to be a mother more than anything else I can possibly think of...but I have to admit that the thought also scares me quite a bit. Some of the fear comes from the thought of the profound responsibility that will be mine the moment the Lord blesses me with a child, but I have never been one to shun responsibility. There is also that part of me that has been jaded by the world and wonders if I dedicate my life to being the happy little homemaker-housewife am I really being all that I can and should be?
Babysitting and playing 'happy little homemaker-housewife' for the past week has actually done a lot for me in sorting some of this stuff out.
Ask me what the most important thing in this life is and in an almost knee-jerk reaction I say 'family of course!' But this week I had one of those self-realization moments. If I truly believe and understand what it means that family is the most important thing and if I truly understand my purpose here then most of those fears would necessarily disappear. And since I know that I truly do believe that family is our purpose here, it must be a matter of a lack of real understanding. Oddly enough, that very realization brought me a good deal of clarity.
We hear it again and again but it's all about keeping the eternal perspective. I never really thought I had a problem with that but I guess that's just one more thing I didn't really understand!